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Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
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| Time: | 6:29 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | "Blue Monday"- Orgy. |
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I haven't updated in a long time because too much has happened.
I've been fighting constantly with gwyn so I moved back in with dad.
I've enrolled in some tech classes here because dad says he won't support me right now unless I'm on the right track.
life is fucking meaningless.
jess, im sorry, I have been gone for so long...i just dont know if I can take it.
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(3 bleeding visions | cut me)
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Monday, January 10th, 2005
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Dawn
The elemental turmoil
Of my self
Haunts my sleep
My days continue, relentlessly
Like mirrors
reflecting
Water, reflecting
Nothing
There are no rainbows
No four leaf clovers
Only iridescent Pools
Of motor oil
Of blood
And genetically engineered
Two-headed sheep
Morning comes, always
My eyes open to another endless day
And I dream of waking up
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(cut me)
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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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| Time: | 6:27 pm. |
| Mood: | depressed. |
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lately I dont feel like existing, so I'm sorry I haven't been around. I just feel dead.
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(1 bleeding vision | cut me)
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Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
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well I think I'm leaving tonight to go to dad's house for a while. I'm not sure I want to go, but it beats being alone here. I guess I'll just go through some more of mom's stuff.
ugh, I swear, being alone here makes me crazy. makes me wish Gwyn hadn't even come home from work.
why do I just get more and more depressed? why is it all so relentless?
I hope the new cuts on my arm heal before Gwyn gets back, or she'll go psycho no-sex bitch again.
fuck fuck. fuck this all. I'm leaving.
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(cut me)
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Sunday, December 19th, 2004
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well, yesterday gwyn left to spend the next couple of weeks with her family up north--this time, she might actually tell them that she's gay. but I doubt it. ::sigh::
anyways, Dad and Lynne called, and they want me to spend christmas with them, so I guess I might. I think Lynne just guilted dad into it for being such a bastard to me.
well, I won't leave until wednsday, so I hope to talk to all my friends here until then, especially you Jess.
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(6 bleeding visions | cut me)
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Saturday, December 18th, 2004
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| Time: | 12:27 am. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | Marylin Manson- "Tainted Love". |
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Bobby and Phylis came over today and hung out, but they got on my nerves and I kicked them out. Gwyn and I had a talkthat was both good and bad and just left me sort of confused...but now it's late and jess has gone so there isn't a point staying up.
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(2 bleeding visions | cut me)
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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
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| Subject: | grrr |
| Time: | 3:44 pm. |
| Mood: |  horny. | | Music: | VAST- "Lady of My Dreams". |
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oh my god this fucking no sex policy with Gwyndolyn is killing me.
I think my fingers might actually fall off.
goddamnit--I think this is the only regret I have about trying to kill myself.
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(4 bleeding visions | cut me)
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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
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| Time: | 9:46 pm. |
| Mood: | sore. | | Music: | Nine Inch Nails- "We're in this Together Now". |
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So this is the obligatory post explaining why I've been gone for ohh...I think five months.
Late July, I had my 2nd suicide attempt. If you don't all know, my first was in highschool (god that was forever ago). This one was another attempt at an overdose--Gwyn and I had been fighting a lot and I was incredibly depressed and feeling shitty and terrible like back in highschool, and paranoid and convinced Gwyn was going to leave me, and so one day...I think it was a friday, after a really shitty day at work I though "well fuck it. I fucking make everyone miserable including myself so there's no fucking point" and that was it. I took a bottle of vallium and sat on the couch...
so gwyn came home 10 minutes later because of some fluke at work at something and she saw me on the couch just laying there and freaked out, and she fucking forced her fist down my throat and made me throw up and shit and wouldn't let me go to sleep...and it was terrible, I don't really remember anything except that I felt shitty, and the whole thing was terrible. I know that Gwyn's friend Anthony drove us to my parent's place in Spartanburg the next day and that Gwyn stayed with me there for a night, but the next day she and anthony left. it was then Gwyn told me she couldn't be with me until she really trusted that I wouldn't do something like that again. it was terrible, one of the most awful things I've ever delt with.
Time is sort of blurry after that. I moved back into Dad's fucking house, and did nothing. finally, dad told me to either get the fuck out or get some help because he doesn't like me to "mope around" so really long argument short I ended up staying at Marshall Pickens for 2 weeks and continuing therapy sessions and stuff. Throughout this time, I called Gwyn every night until she was finally able to forgive me and we could finally move on with our lives. Three weeks ago, I was able to move back in with my love, and today I remembered about this journal which I had been neglecting due to the shit in my life.
so thats a really long story condensed poorly into a couple of paragraphs. I hope it's fairly accurate--unfortunatly, time is blurry for me because of how fucked up I was throughout, maybe when I convince Gwyndolyn to start writing in her journal again she can explain it more clearly. for now, I'm going to bed.
oh I also have to look for a new job because of course they fucking fired me from Hot Topic, so that's a whole new story.
goodnight for now--Jess, I missed you. IM me sometime please.
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(2 bleeding visions | cut me)
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Ok, well long story short I'm back from the hospital. I have a lot to say, but now isn't the place to say it--I've moved back in with Gwyndolyn and hopefully things will start being on the right track. knowing my fucked up life it won't be.
fuck, I have a headache.
I'll write more later, I hope I still have some friends here.
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(2 bleeding visions | cut me)
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Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
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i bear my own beautiful cross of self-mutilation. i have so many Scars… i know that I am a monster, i am so ugly in every way. But still, the Scars are what give me character. the Scars are what defines me, and in the end they are what make me beautiful...
i embrace the Scars. i find their flaky, rubbery texture extremely soothing. i know that i can count on nothing at all except the Scars. but sometimes i feel like i've got too many Scars. it becomes Overpowering. i tell myself that the Scars are good, that i would not know when life is good if not for the Scars. the Scars remind us that we are alive and not Trapped in some dream. but instead i feel mostly that i'm Trapped in an unending Nightmare. and now I desperately want to wake up.
god, i want it all to End.
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(2 bleeding visions | cut me)
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It's 6:30 in the fucking morning but I can't go back to sleep because I have stupid work in an hour. I guess I'll just take some No-Doze and hope that it kills me.
Why do I always feel so horrible all the time? I wish Gwyn were awake to comfort me, but I can't wake her because she just looks so peaceful sleeping. I wish I had that sort of inner peace, but instead I'm constantly Tormented by my own devils. I woke up thinking how much I hate my father, and how much I hate that I am still dependant on him even after moving into the apartment with Gwyn. Unfortunatly, our paychecks just don't cover rent, groceries, ferret supplies, and the anime we need to surivive.
God this is shit. I wish I could just go to sleep/die.
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(2 bleeding visions | cut me)
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Hello All.
This is my first journal entry so I guess I'll start with a small introduction. My name is Adrienne. Some people might call me "goth" and I guess I would have to agree. My favorite bands include Nine Inch Nails, Orgy, Vevlet Underground, VAST, and Type O Negative. My favorite movies are The Crow and Nightmare Before Christmas. I also read alot and write poetry and draw. Most importantly, there is only one person who makes my life worth living: her name is Gwyndolyn, and she's my beautiful girlfriend. If I didn't have her I would kill myself because I hate this shit town and all these people who live here. Anyway, I thought I'd start my journal with this personality test I took. Here goes.
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(3 bleeding visions | cut me)
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lost_in_gwyn's journal
amused.
annoyed.
pensive.